What is this I don't even.

doktorengine:

ok. so…this is actually chapter two, but, i really don’t like chapter one, so just have chapter two. i am really uncomfortable with my writing, so, if you don’t read it that is perfectly ok by me you’d probably save yourself a lot of time and effort.

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Ooh, very nice snippet of fic! I enjoyed reading it quite a bit.

Leaving a review/crit after the cut. Before you click it, there is a lot of text because I always write too much. Thought I’d give you a heads-up.

Oh man, I’m incredibly sorry there are so many words in this post, I just kind of got on a tangent and kept writing. I hope you don’t find this rude or presumptuous… I just really love to write about writing.

I wanted to pass along some words of encouragement regarding your bit of writing you posted, and offer some critique (if you want it). I’m always hesitant actually critiquing writing, since it’s so easy to instead impose what you think writing should be upon someone else’s style, and I’d hate to do that when you already have this great style you’re developing. So when you read my comments please think them over and decide for yourself whether you agree or disagree with what I’ve said, because in the end this is all subjective.

Whew, that was a weird disclaimer, sorry. Review time:

To begin with, I love the way you’ve written this passage—tough for me to explain, but the words you chose to use and the order they’re put together sound almost like poetry to me. Your story has this fantastic rhythm to it if you read it aloud. Sort of… okay, this is getting REALLY weird and out there, but some of this is just percussive. There’s a term for this, I don’t know it, the repetition of certain sounds in several words? Especially the consonants. “Ports and plugs” and “curling and purpling” and “aches and pains” … I love the sound of those words coupled together, it just makes me happy. That and your vivid, intense descriptions really worked for me in this.

A couple of minor grammatical/word choice critiques—

• I’m not sure if I would use the word “inability” in the second paragraph. Maybe “lack” would work a little better there. But I love the word repetition and the parallel structure you use in that section.
• Also, with regards to the semicolon, you should only use it if the parts before it and after it can both serve as complete sentences by themselves. It’s basically a fancy period that more gently transitions between sentences. (This is silly, I know, but I figured I’d toss it in)
• There are a few incomplete sentences in the story, but I can see how these could easily be considered a stylistic choice—nothing wrong with that! I would only caution against using that motif too often in a certain amount of time.
• The story may benefit from being broken up a bit more into slightly shorter paragraphs (or interspersing the longer ones with a short one here or there) but again, that is just a personal preference thing.

That said, I enjoy the sort of complex way you’ve structured these sentences. It gives an interesting, introspective atmosphere to the story, which is fitting given the quietly intimate subject matter. In my opinion, this is a great skill to have, but it’s one you should be wary of using too often—maybe a couple of sentences could be dialed down just a bit in terms of how ‘flowery’ or complicated they are, just to give the story a bit of an easier flow as it’s being read.

Alright, that’s my piece, and remember, this is all just my opinion! I really did enjoy reading this—wonderful and lyrical word choice, a very somber tone but with a note of hope in it as well. You did a great job with it, and you really have no reason to be uncomfortable with your writing! (And I hope you don’t mind that I’ve reblogged this to keep it. Because I liked it.)